So, today I decided on a weird ass whim to go driving somewhere. I have not done anything spontaneous in a while and what better then to drive somewhere. First thought that came to mind was Ocean City. After I put into my GPS the address it said it would take 3+ hours. Not when I have somewhere else i need to be at a certain time. So I will save that for another day.
So I ended up driving around the whole beltway and stopping down at national harbor. So really in the end, I did not end up going anywhere new but I went somewhere. Hence the driving to nowhere. And I kind of feel like my life is in that state right now.
Right now my life is a car, driving on the road of life and I might stop here and there but I have not found a destination I want to stop at for good. And I feel like at this point, my life is on the road of life going somewhere but not anywhere at the same time.
And at this point of recollection in my car, I realise that wow, I am a different person then when I left Talkeetna. I had in Anchorage the most maturing six months of my life. It was there that I saw the realization how hard life really is. That time frame made me a much stronger and a much different person then the nice guy who left Talkeetna.
I mean, just in the work aspect. I was like man it would be nice to do nothing and get paid for it. My injury put that whole notion into a different light. I never thought I was the worker that, when I am on a show just a whole other person comes out. And after being on the shelf for 7 out of the last 10 months it made me realize wow I need a job or else I will go insane.
And then there is of course, the lady life. Back then, very timid, kind of shy and not alot of women gave me a chance. One did and was pleasantly surprised about the diamond in the rough she had found. Oh wow, Dylan is courteous and polite and actually cares. Who would of thought it. Now days, much more bold, more sure of myself and just older and more mature. And the niceness has not changed, the same courtesy is there, but I am putting myself out there more.
Now I am not going to say the Mr. Nice Guy still is not here. But I will say it got hit one too many times and decided to hit back. I definitely take way less crap then before and I have found a smidgen of leadership skills in myself which I never knew was there. This drive in some ways helped me realize how much I have actually changed and matured. And right now I have just changed the freeways of life by getting off the teenager road and actually merge onto the adult road.
Through all of this, if you get anything out of this, is that we are all on the road of life and some people are in a pinto that can barely get to 35 while others are flying by in their ferrari's and everyone is watching going ooh I want to get that. And then there is the rest of us. Driving our hondas, fords, chevys, nissans, and of course subaru's We are just crusing along the road of life and soon we will find a exit for where we spend the rest of our life.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The fuck ups of my life
So how do I end up always messing things up so bad? I can't seem to get it straight. I have a good job and career in front of me and I then get hurt. I had a nice good values girl for a while but she was a religious nut job so that just is not going to fly. And then I have the one i am dealing with now, which has gone from a good thing to a I don't know what the hell is going to happen from day to day and i have no idea how this one is going to end. But if history is any judge, I am going to fuck it up as well.
You know, there are only 2 women in my life that I have not fucked up with in someway shape or form really bad. Well 3. One is of course my momma. I love my mom. And she loves me and through all of our trials and tribulations in life, she has always been there for me when no one else has and I thank her for that. Number 2 is my grandma. Now granted I did not know her till I was 16 but she always has good advice and I may be stubborn and not listen from time to time, but I do know it is there. And number 3, you ask who it could be. And as much as people can say pssha whatever, is Giselle. Yeah all you haters fuck off. She has been there for me these past few years and has been the proverbial shoulder to cry on as it maybe and I figure it's time she got some recognition.
And oh good lord, lets not get into the cars too much. 2 have caught fire. Who has had 2 cars catch fire in 4 years that does not race nascar!? Now granted a couple of the 9 cars were due to gas and moving and such. But still, 9 cars is alot! And I can't even seem to keep a car without fucking it up in some way.
So my question is, how do I have such a self destructive personality and how do I get out of it? I have the shoulder/neck issue right now and of course this girl as I mentioned above. How did I go by the book and still fuck it up? I mean, what, am I not allowed happiness? Now yes, I know i am 22 turning 23 this year, but still, why can I not want what people a few years older then me want? I just want my own place, a nice girlfriend to see every once in a while and a steady job doing something I like. Now the girlfriend has nothing to do with numbers 1 or 3. But I know too many people who have a steady job but dislike it immensely. As I have stated on facebook before, I have no issue with being a starving artist as long as I can hold up. But at this point, I don't know if I can anymore. I feel like I am 2 seconds away from a break through and a mental breakdown at the same time.
Yes I probably need a vacation but how can I do that when I don't have steady work? But if i had steady work, then I gotta get the days off and get shifts covered and shit like that and potentially lose my job. At this point, I have no idea what to do anymore. I will probably continue to plow my way through like the Allies did through D-Day through all the machine gun fire. Yes we finally won that war but we had a great amount of casualties. I want to avoid the casualties and just win the war on life. Maybe if I look at life as a war, maybe I can do something different. But in the end, speculation can only go so far. This is the thoughts of a rambling Dylan Lillie who is not happy with his life right now and hopes somewhere, something comes along and helps me move in the right direction. But until then, the same morose thing day after day after day. I so need a vacation.........
You know, there are only 2 women in my life that I have not fucked up with in someway shape or form really bad. Well 3. One is of course my momma. I love my mom. And she loves me and through all of our trials and tribulations in life, she has always been there for me when no one else has and I thank her for that. Number 2 is my grandma. Now granted I did not know her till I was 16 but she always has good advice and I may be stubborn and not listen from time to time, but I do know it is there. And number 3, you ask who it could be. And as much as people can say pssha whatever, is Giselle. Yeah all you haters fuck off. She has been there for me these past few years and has been the proverbial shoulder to cry on as it maybe and I figure it's time she got some recognition.
And oh good lord, lets not get into the cars too much. 2 have caught fire. Who has had 2 cars catch fire in 4 years that does not race nascar!? Now granted a couple of the 9 cars were due to gas and moving and such. But still, 9 cars is alot! And I can't even seem to keep a car without fucking it up in some way.
So my question is, how do I have such a self destructive personality and how do I get out of it? I have the shoulder/neck issue right now and of course this girl as I mentioned above. How did I go by the book and still fuck it up? I mean, what, am I not allowed happiness? Now yes, I know i am 22 turning 23 this year, but still, why can I not want what people a few years older then me want? I just want my own place, a nice girlfriend to see every once in a while and a steady job doing something I like. Now the girlfriend has nothing to do with numbers 1 or 3. But I know too many people who have a steady job but dislike it immensely. As I have stated on facebook before, I have no issue with being a starving artist as long as I can hold up. But at this point, I don't know if I can anymore. I feel like I am 2 seconds away from a break through and a mental breakdown at the same time.
Yes I probably need a vacation but how can I do that when I don't have steady work? But if i had steady work, then I gotta get the days off and get shifts covered and shit like that and potentially lose my job. At this point, I have no idea what to do anymore. I will probably continue to plow my way through like the Allies did through D-Day through all the machine gun fire. Yes we finally won that war but we had a great amount of casualties. I want to avoid the casualties and just win the war on life. Maybe if I look at life as a war, maybe I can do something different. But in the end, speculation can only go so far. This is the thoughts of a rambling Dylan Lillie who is not happy with his life right now and hopes somewhere, something comes along and helps me move in the right direction. But until then, the same morose thing day after day after day. I so need a vacation.........
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